Disclosure: This is deeply personal. I am trying to overcome the spirit of people pleasing. So I am putting this portion of my thoughts and actions on display in hopes that if you felt like I did, that I can inspire you to want to seek a higher place; no matter what anyone else thinks of me for doing so. It is in segments, and begins very dark. No one call 911...it gets better. :-)
So...I took time to self reflect.
My ephipany...was, that I realized that.....
I was utterly sick and tired...
of self reflection.
I needed a new target.
Have you ever met someone, and couldn't figure out for the very life of you; why they got under your skin? No matter what they did to win you over...you just couldn't shake the fact that this person was not your cup of tea? Somehow you just new you would never really like them.
Well...
What if that person was yourself?
What if you were trapped inside a shell with a soul you didn't recognize?
What if you tried your hardest to remove yourself from it...to no avail?
It is not a far exaggeration to say...I have NEVER been happy. Ever. Not as a child, not as a troubled teenager full of unknown angst...not as a young adult...not after I graduated from basic Training...not after I began my career in make up artistry...not after the birth of my children...still, there was some hole I couldn't fill.
Not happiness. Sometimes pleasure, but NEVER happiness. Not at any time I can remember....ever. Not even when I got married. Yeah, thats right ladies, I said it. I was not that princess at the end of the Disney movie- elated about the happily ever after I was to partake in with my picture book perfect husband.
Why not? Had I not kissed more than my share of frogs before I found my Prince? Why was it that the very moment I entered into contract with my husband... did I lose all desire to make love with him?
For years, I have held the truth in shame; that when it came to intimacy with my husband, I found that my once overly active sexual desire had all but vanished. It wasnt a lack of sex, but the place my mind had to go to in order to desire him once we were married.... that distrurbed me. We watched ex rated material; additionally, I allowed talk of sinful nature to enter our bedroom. I was ashamed and it just didn't make any sense.I just couldn't seem to keep an interest in him once I had the moral right to. After a while; I stopped trying to figure out what kind of twisted mind I must be possessed with. It was disheartening to admit- that after years of being objectified by men (and most of all, by myself); that I could not enjoy a healthy sexual relationship- without still objectifing myself.
So needless to say, after a few years, it became increasingly difficult to pretend; and our love life waned. This created a new list of problems for us. I had invited ex rated material into our home; and in turn, became angry and insecure with my husband's growing tendency to watch the videos once I no longer wanted to.We began to lack any communication. He would come in from work and not speak. I would bait him into arguments just to get him to talk to me. It felt like I was living with a stranger. By the time we got here to Atlanta; we were all but shells of the once alive and in love couple that we had once been.
Things took a much darker turn in the last two years....
What happens next? LOL!!! That is all you can read without getting lost in blogland.
Part two tomorrow...
Monday, October 12, 2009
Friday, October 9, 2009
The 7 days of Friday Lifestyle!
The power of Friday...
Its every one's favorite day of the traditional workweek. Friday.
You can feel the energy from every classroom...corner office, every cubicle...even at every mall and restaurant where the workweek isn't over, the barista was smiling a little harder at Starbucks this morning...you complain less about the commute into the city....
Why is it that Friday invokes a powerful emotion of optimism, and appreciation?
Is it truly because we are counting down the seconds till we're free?
Are we just glad for the break in the monotonous J.O.B?
For some, this may be the case.
But the TGIF feeling exists in those who don't even work a regular work week.
My husband's off days are Tuesday and Wednesday of every week. While he refers to his Monday shift as his "Friday"(his day before his two days of rest)...he also seems to have more pep in his step on the actual Friday work shift; even though he would be returning to work Saturday morning. I was puzzled and compelled to explore a new social experiment: The 7 days of Friday Lifestyle!
What if, like Fridays: you could view every single day of the week with just as much gratitude and excitement?
What if, on even your most dreaded day of the week, you woke up excited to being a day full of promise and purpose?
Tell yourself what it is about Friday that excites you. Is it getting more time with your kids for the weekend? Upcoming football Sunday? Is it perhaps a date night that you hold with your spouse Saturday evenings?
Tap into what makes Friday a day to look forward to.
Figure out what truly gives you reason to be. Write down all the reasons everyday of the week, why you are grateful for that day.
Set new standards for quality of life. Want more family time than you get the weekend? Set up a weekly holiday where your family commits as a whole to gather and spend time together in gratitude toward one another. We have a National Kamerons Day at sporadic times throughout the year where we will surprise him with an "unbirthday" Party like Alice in Wonderland..
Follow a similar pattern of gratitude for whatever it is that God has blessed you to look forward to on the weekend, let the same appreciation show in every aspect of your life. Thank Him... even for the annoying guy who chews at your nerve on the job. It can and does get worse than the things we complain of and take for granted.
I challenge you to try. Tell Him that when you wake to have a Friday! attitude on your dreaded Monday morning. Play some good tunes while getting dressed. Make a conscious effort to smile. Even on Tuesday. Bring dunkin donuts to the office for your coworkers, even on Wednesday. Create the culture of TGIF... for every moment of your life. :-)
Update your facebook status, instead of TGIF...(your name her)...is saying TGIA! (Thank God I'm Alive)
View everyday that the Lord has given you with the same fervor as you look upon one Friday to the next with.
Bless the lord, O my soul: and all that is within me, bless his holy name
Bless the Lord, O my soul, and forget not all his benefits:
Who forgives all thine iniquities; who healths all thy diseases;
Who redeemeth thy life from destruction; who crown thee with loving kindness and tender mercies:
Who satisfies thy mouth with good things; so that thy youth is renewed like the eagle's.-Psalm 103:1-5
It will make the difference.
Smooches!
Kris.
Its every one's favorite day of the traditional workweek. Friday.
You can feel the energy from every classroom...corner office, every cubicle...even at every mall and restaurant where the workweek isn't over, the barista was smiling a little harder at Starbucks this morning...you complain less about the commute into the city....
Why is it that Friday invokes a powerful emotion of optimism, and appreciation?
Is it truly because we are counting down the seconds till we're free?
Are we just glad for the break in the monotonous J.O.B?
For some, this may be the case.
But the TGIF feeling exists in those who don't even work a regular work week.
My husband's off days are Tuesday and Wednesday of every week. While he refers to his Monday shift as his "Friday"(his day before his two days of rest)...he also seems to have more pep in his step on the actual Friday work shift; even though he would be returning to work Saturday morning. I was puzzled and compelled to explore a new social experiment: The 7 days of Friday Lifestyle!
What if, like Fridays: you could view every single day of the week with just as much gratitude and excitement?
What if, on even your most dreaded day of the week, you woke up excited to being a day full of promise and purpose?
Tell yourself what it is about Friday that excites you. Is it getting more time with your kids for the weekend? Upcoming football Sunday? Is it perhaps a date night that you hold with your spouse Saturday evenings?
Tap into what makes Friday a day to look forward to.
Figure out what truly gives you reason to be. Write down all the reasons everyday of the week, why you are grateful for that day.
Set new standards for quality of life. Want more family time than you get the weekend? Set up a weekly holiday where your family commits as a whole to gather and spend time together in gratitude toward one another. We have a National Kamerons Day at sporadic times throughout the year where we will surprise him with an "unbirthday" Party like Alice in Wonderland..
Follow a similar pattern of gratitude for whatever it is that God has blessed you to look forward to on the weekend, let the same appreciation show in every aspect of your life. Thank Him... even for the annoying guy who chews at your nerve on the job. It can and does get worse than the things we complain of and take for granted.
I challenge you to try. Tell Him that when you wake to have a Friday! attitude on your dreaded Monday morning. Play some good tunes while getting dressed. Make a conscious effort to smile. Even on Tuesday. Bring dunkin donuts to the office for your coworkers, even on Wednesday. Create the culture of TGIF... for every moment of your life. :-)
Update your facebook status, instead of TGIF...(your name her)...is saying TGIA! (Thank God I'm Alive)
View everyday that the Lord has given you with the same fervor as you look upon one Friday to the next with.
Bless the lord, O my soul: and all that is within me, bless his holy name
Bless the Lord, O my soul, and forget not all his benefits:
Who forgives all thine iniquities; who healths all thy diseases;
Who redeemeth thy life from destruction; who crown thee with loving kindness and tender mercies:
Who satisfies thy mouth with good things; so that thy youth is renewed like the eagle's.-Psalm 103:1-5
It will make the difference.
Smooches!
Kris.
Tuesday, October 6, 2009
A rare and beautiful thing...
So the past month has been...well. Its better now.
But as with all things; the well earned lessons that come from harsh realities far surpasses the trauma of it all.
The lesson I learned that I will always remember, is that friendship...true friendship...will always reign triumphant in tragedy.
Friendship lesson #1: Friends hold you up...
I was distraught. Down and out is a gross understatement...the kind of grief that scares you, you wonder if you will ever feel completely whole again. And there are those rays of lights in the storm...
My first ray of light came in the name of compassion. My cousin Bree is my junior by 5 years; and I have always tried to keep my place in her eyes as big cousin that knows more, has seen more, can make it happen always. But one day when I couldn't move, couldn't breathe with heartache; it was my baby cousin who held my head in her lap until I felt human again. It was my baby cousin that helped me care for my children when all my energy had fled...Thank you for being more than family to me: a Friend.
Friendship lesson #2: Friends keep up encouraged...
I was feeling a little better. A little. My childhood friend that is Ms. Lesa Jimmerson has stayed with me throughout adulthood. She has a very honest tongue. When I am cloudy, she helps clear the fog. I was pretty foggy last week. It is a true friend to give you the hard advice you don't want to hear. It is also a true friend to send you a blessing even when they need one themselves. Thank you for putting up with my for over two decades.
Friendship Lesson #3 Friends are constant...
We as adults have everyday tasks that sometimes keep us from thinking outside our own problems. We may know someone is in distress, but it may not be the forefront of our minds. Thank you Winter for being the kind of friend that notices trouble signs even when I tried my best to conceal them. Even more, thanks for continuing to check on me for every single day leaving me kind notes that I have no doubt took a considerable time to write. Your brand of compassion is a rare and beautiful find. As always, Thank you.
Friendship Lesson #4 Friends help you see the Light...
Sometimes the hardest thing you can do is to leave someone alone. No one wants to be alone; it is our nature to be accepted. With this in mind, often we will hold on to toxic friendships...relationsips...out of obligation. Even when it feels foreign. So when I stopped hearing from my girlfriend Tone, I was hurt initially. Then when she did call she was usually too busy; on her way to bible study, or Sunday School. She didn't come to my dinner parties or want to go out to Girls Night anymore. She wasn't rude or judgemental...just...different. She didn't want to gossip about mutual friends. She was calm. She never complained. So as far as our lives had become it was amazing how consistent she was when I needed her the most. Thank you for giving me an example of what a strong woman of Faith looks like. Thank you for having the courage to say what many would shy away from. The truth...is the best gift sometimes. Love you!
I am overwhelmed with how blessed I have always been...and never really knew it. :-)
True friendship is that wind in placid air. It reminds you that hard times are there so we can marvel at compassion and the resiliency of the sisterhood.
But as with all things; the well earned lessons that come from harsh realities far surpasses the trauma of it all.
The lesson I learned that I will always remember, is that friendship...true friendship...will always reign triumphant in tragedy.
Friendship lesson #1: Friends hold you up...
I was distraught. Down and out is a gross understatement...the kind of grief that scares you, you wonder if you will ever feel completely whole again. And there are those rays of lights in the storm...
My first ray of light came in the name of compassion. My cousin Bree is my junior by 5 years; and I have always tried to keep my place in her eyes as big cousin that knows more, has seen more, can make it happen always. But one day when I couldn't move, couldn't breathe with heartache; it was my baby cousin who held my head in her lap until I felt human again. It was my baby cousin that helped me care for my children when all my energy had fled...Thank you for being more than family to me: a Friend.
Friendship lesson #2: Friends keep up encouraged...
I was feeling a little better. A little. My childhood friend that is Ms. Lesa Jimmerson has stayed with me throughout adulthood. She has a very honest tongue. When I am cloudy, she helps clear the fog. I was pretty foggy last week. It is a true friend to give you the hard advice you don't want to hear. It is also a true friend to send you a blessing even when they need one themselves. Thank you for putting up with my for over two decades.
Friendship Lesson #3 Friends are constant...
We as adults have everyday tasks that sometimes keep us from thinking outside our own problems. We may know someone is in distress, but it may not be the forefront of our minds. Thank you Winter for being the kind of friend that notices trouble signs even when I tried my best to conceal them. Even more, thanks for continuing to check on me for every single day leaving me kind notes that I have no doubt took a considerable time to write. Your brand of compassion is a rare and beautiful find. As always, Thank you.
Friendship Lesson #4 Friends help you see the Light...
Sometimes the hardest thing you can do is to leave someone alone. No one wants to be alone; it is our nature to be accepted. With this in mind, often we will hold on to toxic friendships...relationsips...out of obligation. Even when it feels foreign. So when I stopped hearing from my girlfriend Tone, I was hurt initially. Then when she did call she was usually too busy; on her way to bible study, or Sunday School. She didn't come to my dinner parties or want to go out to Girls Night anymore. She wasn't rude or judgemental...just...different. She didn't want to gossip about mutual friends. She was calm. She never complained. So as far as our lives had become it was amazing how consistent she was when I needed her the most. Thank you for giving me an example of what a strong woman of Faith looks like. Thank you for having the courage to say what many would shy away from. The truth...is the best gift sometimes. Love you!
I am overwhelmed with how blessed I have always been...and never really knew it. :-)
True friendship is that wind in placid air. It reminds you that hard times are there so we can marvel at compassion and the resiliency of the sisterhood.
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