Thursday, September 3, 2009

pest control

My friend Liza has a serious pest problem. No one eats there; for fear that the rodent has been pilfering through the groceries. No one watches TV; the disgusting thing will sit down right beside you. She swears she got rid of it twice, and sometimes it seems as if it is gone for good. I asked her one day, how she planned to exterminate it once and for all...

"Hey girl, whatcha doin'?" I asked.
"Looking for my rat poison." she said.
"Oh, don't tell me it's back!" I exclaimed.
"Yes, unfortunately," she sounded very tired. It hardly seemed fair for her to have this embarrassing problem. She had always been clean, and neat. She didn't even invite over suitors anymore.

"I have no life anymore. I stay home with my children, because they are afraid of the rat. My mom tried to put the rat in its place, but it screeched back at her. Only my little brother will entertain it, because he feels sorry for it. It sits on my couch, eating my food, getting fatter, laughing at my misery. I would move, but I can't find a buyer for my house. When they see the rat, they scream and run." she said through frustrated tears.

Everyday, it sat unapologetic hoisted upon her once sturdy sofa. She had told me on more than one occasion; that if she could only get him out, she would replace that sofa the same day. There was a sunken spot where his body had imprinted the cushion permanently.

He started early in the day, and watched television into the night.
The rat watched lots of Judge Judy and Court TV. He was excited to see that it would be very hard to have him evicted. First, according to Judge Judy, she had to serve him with an official notice giving him at least 30 days to vacate the premises. He didn't figure she knew that. She was hardly ever watching TV. The way the rat figured, he was so slick, he could call the Judge and sue her for not being nicer to him while he stayed there. He would argue that he would go if he could take the beloved device with him. He picked up the phone, and dialed the number on the television screen.

The courtroom was just like it looked on the TV; only the courtroom audience gasped when he walked into the courtroom through the double doors in the rear. He was self conscious about his new found girth around the mid-section. He couldn't understand how he'd gained so much weight.

"All rise! Honorable Judge Judith presiding!" the bailiff exclaimed.
The Rat was so excited. This was the best day ever!
"Plaintiff vs. Defendant in the case of Mr. Rat vs. Liza Zimmerman!"

Judge Judy entered the courtroom with the same shrill countenance she always held. She didn't waste any time.

"Mr. Rat, you are suing Ms. Zimmerman for the rights to stay in her home indefinitely and for the television set. Am I correct Mr. Rat?" She did not look amused. It didn't bother him, he knew how to work the old bat. He never missed an episode.
"Yes, your honor. I feel that Ms. Zimmerman should be more respectful to me as a man. She treats me like I am worthless, and I don't appreciate it." He smiled triumphantly.

"I see. Mr. Rat, do you pay any bills?" She asked.
"No, I don't. I can't find a job, no one will ever give a rat a job." He replied.
"I see. Mr. Rat, I see you have children. Do you care for them as well?" The judge asked sharply.
"Well, compared to what alot of other rats do, I'm father of the year. Most rats don't do anything at all for their babies. Just hatch 'em and rum. At least I come around-" the Judge stopped him mid sentence. She had heard enough.

"Enough outta you! Ms. Zimmerman, I truly applaud your patience in dealing with this disgusting field animal!" The judge screamed, and the veins in her neck were much more prominent than they looked on TV. Even high definition could not prepare him for the wrath of this woman before him.

"Mr. Rat, I understand you never miss an episode of my program, is that correct?" she snapped.
"Yes...yes ma'am. I watch everyday." he replied.
"I see. And do you also watch during the commercials to see who my biggest sponsor is?"
"No. I usually wait for commercials to go get a snack."
"Well, that's much too bad. It seems you may have called the wrong Judge. I would expect anyone who is a fan of mine to know how much I hate dirty sneaky rats! Bailiff, will you show our sponsor into the courtroom now."

The bailiff obliged, and just then, a large man wearing a white jumpsuit with the bright red Orkin logo approached.

The Rat had the sinking feeling that his verdict- was about to be rendered.

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