Sunday, November 7, 2010


The truth of the matter is... I am a liar. But believe this lie... this's the truth. :-)

My stronghold is, and has always been...


It is undiluted and unmistakeable; my appetite for things I have no earthly- nor heavenly buisness, wishing for.

It can, and has... derailed me, taken precedence over ambition, growth... and even my own sanity at times.

It manifests in all forms, but this time it came... in the form of a boy.

He is nothing like the Prototype.

I was broken when we met,...and I was he.

Together, we hot-welded the peices together in an unnatural way. Now my heart is abstract, and freakish to look at. He says it's art, that I'm a Masterpeice.

I don't believe him, but I like the way he spins the truth....

I think he's beautiful. He reads my soul and tells me where it hurts, and how it got that way.

He mocks the conformity of my religious fervor, while I revel in the contradictions of his consciousness. He is a wordsmith; he threads in deeper water than I swim in. My wit counters his cunningness ...and no one wins in our fights.

We are lovers and dreamers, and when our spirits is the only time they play fair.

It's the only time I believe him...

He sees, maybe too well, my higher, and my lower self; he maps out where they collide. He hears my insecurites... and when I push hard enough...he bites back with my innermost secrets...

I can see him too, in a way that tortures both of us. Sometimes, I think it's worse... when you can see the truth.

It makes love... harder.

Lust is much easier to identify. When he is lying to me, I know it with a scientific certainty. He may as well be hooked up to a machine.

I am him...and he is me, perfect 360 degrees of One.

The problem is... I never really liked Me... all that much.

When he lies to me, I choose to believe him, because I want more than believe myself.

Which makes me...

a habitual liar.

Monday, August 16, 2010


I hope that those who are reading this, who are called out as saints...those who share a passion for our Lord Jesus Christ...

...receive this with all the love, and all the frustration, that is truly behind this post.

Have you heard the buzz?

We are in the "season"...of our Lord returning...the "last days" they keep telling me. "Oh", they say, "the signs are everywhere!"

My Face Book news feed is riddled with excepts from my friends video submissions:
"Jay-Z is an Illuminati puppet"
"The Signs point to an end within the next 20 years.."
"Kayne West says he sold his sold to the devil..."

Wow. This is some real life apocalyptic, Satan worshipping, hip hopping, conspiracy theory, made for TV... drama!

Who knew serving the Lord could be so worldly fascinating?

Okay I admit...

I was drawn in to. Watching video upon video of the different "satanic undertones in Beyonce, Lady Gaga and Jay Z videos. Watching ministers who devoted their entire ministry to exposing these "corruptors" feed death into the lives of your generation.

The amount of information out there is more than compelling. I completely admit it literally freaked me out.


Because my heart was already pondered by the Holy Spirit.

Had you shown me this video a year ago...not so much.

No amount of symbolism would have kept me from bobbing my head to Beyonce if the song moved me.

Which brings me to my next point:
No shock motivated conspiracy video will speak the Word of God better than...

Want to show the contrast of true Good (those who live a Christ like Holy life) and true Evil (self promoting, pride filled serving oneself as gods?)


When I finally gave my life to Christ, it was through someone else's example of love...she never had to show me what was wrong with the world...only what was RIGHT in Christ.

She didn't sit me down and force feed Illuminati videos on me, or shake a finger at my heavy application of lip gloss...

She simply, quietly...spoke the Word of God in her actions...which led me to ask her what had changed...which led her to witness the miraculous testimony that was her new walk with Christ.

Don't discredit our God, that His word alone cannot sustain you. The more time we spend dissecting these videos or trying to predict the hour of Christ's return...

the less time we can apply His whole armour, the study and application of His Word, the less we are using the Divine Discernment of the Holy Spirit, the less we are using effective Praise...

so again, the enemy of God is confusing us, constantly distracting us from God's intended purpose for us.

Are you afraid...
that without the ability to focus on Him and not the world...
that you will be bored?

Is the constant need to "discredit" these secular artists just another way to still be influenced by them?

Make no mistake: THEY are NOT studying US. They are honing their crafts...gaining momentum...and the more attention we pay to it, the more it fuels the beast.

Don't you think that God knew this time was coming? If he thought it important to build whole ministries around attacking the music or film industry HE would have instructed us to do so specifically.

Instead, He left us with TIMELESS and PERFECT instruction. The more we feed ourselves with HIS HOLY WORD the less you will even WANT to hear things that don't glorify Him. He is greater than a ten minute YouTube video. His Word feeds us and prayer quenches our thirst. It is all we need to know right from wrong.

Some of us...need to stop worrying about trying to predict the hour God is returning... and which secular artist is New World Order or Illuminati... and get back to the SOURCE, the Holy Written WORD of GOD. He left us with all the instruction we need... and its infallible. We can barely keep the commandments that HE gave, let alone all these added theories. So please, don't make it even harder, by adding your own truths. Your doing too much love.

K.I.S.S....Keep it Simple Saints...

Much love!

Sunday, August 15, 2010

The Prototype.

He's tall...
but not so tall me makes me short...
and less like a supermodel standing next to him.

To him "the love that consumes"
has but one meaning. God.

He doesn't mistake my lack of slang...
for a lack of swagger.

He can completely ignore me while watching Sports Center...
...but never forgets to make me feel like the only girl in the room when the game goes off.

He won't expect me to make him my WORLD,
...nor will he campaign to be the center of mine.

He hates my favorite football team...
...just so we have a reason to fight.

He eats responsibly,
...but isn't mad when he finds my secret stash of captain crunch...
...He knows to buy his own box. :-)

He sees through girls who claim to "love" porn. Girl stop! Lol

He works out...
...but he isn't so rock hard, that I can't make his beer belly my makeshift pillow.

He loves sports, and this is a MUST.
I believe it's a fact: that men who appreciate winning, also appreciate a prize of a woman when they see one. Believe.

He will watch romantic dramas with me...
and pretend he didn't already have to watch "The Notebook" with his last girlfriend.

He only compares me to OTHER women...
to tell me how they'll NEVER compare.

He cooks.
...probably better than me
...but will never admit it.

He'll let me spoil him, and never take it for granted...
...cause he KNOWS how lucky he is to have my undivided attention.

He brags to all his friends how he's dating "the coolest chic in the world. If I weren't dating her she'd be my best friend."

He doesn't have to LOVE pro wrestling...but he can never call it "fake" when I'm in ear range.

He won't tell me how much he hates girls who wear make up,
then oggle over an airbrushed picture of Kim Kardashian.

In fact, he won't ever tell me what he doesn't like.
...if it makes me feel good, he loves it.

He knows it takes Pinky AND the Brain to take over the world...
...He knows that in the relationship, I'm the Brain though.

He only plays xbox with his kids.
He watches hours of espn...
but never, I repeat never...
plays video games with other grown men.

Unless it's wii sports and I can play first. :-)

He won't forget how beautiful he thought I was in the beginning...
...before the novelty wore off... always wears off.

... he won't base he interest in me on astetics alone,
... he intends to love me even once it all falls down.

He is a dreamer like me.

High school is not the highlight of his life...
I will NEVER marry Al Bundy.

He has great style,
but never tries too hard.

He never grabs the back fat roll under my bra strap...
and never holds my love handles... Unless I tell him too.

He doesn't try to justify R.Kelly ever being in my iPod...ever.

If he has kids...
...he never refers to thier mother as his "bm" or any variation of the term baby momma.

He reads.
...not so much that he tries to over analysize everything.

He doesn't think dinner and a movie is too much to ask.
...Even in the middle of a work day.

He knows I'm a pain in the neck...
...but that I'll always massage it out if he really deserves it.

When I get an attitude he stops entertaining me till I get my mind right...
...But he won't forget to get right back.

He knows he'll never "get me" but...
...he will enjoy every second of trying.

He won't get mad if I ask him what he's thinking about.
When he says "nothing"...
He STILL won't get mad when I ask him:
" can you not be thinking about ANYTHING!?"

He won't expect to get the best of me...
...he understands I've yet to discover it.

If you think I'm asking for too much then you underestimate my patience.
I've already spent a lifetime settling for less.

Because it has to be....

I am a sucker for those Disney princesses.

But I mean... Really?

What do u do when the 'after' in 'happily ever after' comes?

When your prince comes... But, then he goes?

What is next?

I know...I always have the answers... Right?

But not this time.

I have no clue how to convince my brain...that my heart will heal again.

But I know this:

I am worth waiting for all the fairy tale ideas I have about love. I am worth waiting until my mind, body and spirit are prepared to meet my real soulmate.

I believe that when my soul heals, the broken prices will fit back together again. Maybe they will be abit jagged, and maybe
even some of the fractures are beyond repair. And thats okay.

I believe that God gave me a real big heart, and that he intends to keep taking away the things and people...who rent space in my being, but pay their rent late every month. He said that they have to be evicted... Whether I like it or not.

So I will wait for it to heal. And I won't fill the space with bad tenants, the kind that come in and make a bigger mess... Tear up your things, then still leave you with a bad debt. I'd rather have an empty room then to fill it with unworthy occupants ;-).

I will believe and trust that this is the way out of the dark, once and for all.

Because it has to be.

Tuesday, July 13, 2010

Hope in A Jar...

When I was about 23, I worked for this uber posh, high end retailer. You know, the ones with big suited security and the sales person snubs you if your vintage Speedy bag is smaller than hers, and a pianist playing music at the escalator for no one in particular, oversized chairs in corners that no one would ever be lounging in.

I worked at a cosmetics counter with a $500 eye cream, which happens to be manufacted by the same company that mass produces the stuff they hawk for 20 bucks at walgreens.

I learned early on in my career, that the best way to thrive in a multi billion dollar industry...

was to sell dreams as shamelessly as possible.

Afterall, I mean... I'm saying, I was commissioned. Its a cut throat world in those swanky stores.

I once told a lady I was 41 to get her to commit to the eye cream that promised to take her from "that older lady" to "Johnny's hot younger mom" in two weeks.

She approached the glass counter, wearing an outfit from the juniors department or from her granddaughters closet. Its the standard daytime look, 300 dollar jeans and a 120 dollar tee shirt. Despite the loose skin at her elbows and neck, her surgeon had done well. The only off mark were the breasts, they were hard and made that painful looking gap in between her liver marked cleavage, (which to be fair, at her age, had been done before the invention of the tear shaped under the muscle procedure). She has big Yurman bangles, and even bigger Tiffany rings. I look up and give her a half smile.

She smiles back. "Excuse me is this your counter? I was wondering about this new age prevention cream I saw in Allure..."

I wait for it, and on cue, she reaches into her Jimmy Choo bag for the snippet from the magazine.

I light up a bit. The clipping always means half my job has done. The right person... had paid the right hypeman to say the hottest starlet had never been nipped plucked or tucked she just bathes in this magic goes into the mags..and presto! the marketing gods have spoken.

Now all she needs is to hear me confirm what she already believes.

She studied my face for a moment. I don't mind, I had taken extra care that morning with my makeup.

"Well, your super cute. How long have you worked here?" She asked as she looked for time on my face.

"Oh.. this store? About a year. For the brand? Oh, around ten years now." I wait again.

"Ten years! Honey, how old are you!"

Now, I leaned in very close to her. "Shhh, I'll be 41 on the 18th." I whisper this as if I was calling out my social security number, which is what I had seen women of a certain age do.

Apparently it brings you into the club. It also helped me keep my tactic from the pretty asian girl at the other counter. She was only a few thousand dollars from my sales record.

"Why, I know you women of color don't age as quickly, but I mean, you look like a teenager!" She is literally about to grab my face.

Well, I have my secrets. Lots of water, sunscreen and of course the elixir serum, it helps the moistizer penetrate deeper."

So... do you use this one?"

"Oh, everynight! The trick is consistency! Don't skip nights. And pat, don't rub it on. That makes more lines. The eye area...its very delicate. You have no oil gland there so it will dehydrate faster. Those fine lines...those are "dehydration lines" sweetie, your too young for "wrinkles, honey." As I finish my spill, I watch as she takes it all in.

I don't push the issue. With these women, it was always better to let them set the pace for how excited you were. The more I seemed to not care one way if she was there or not, the better.

This is what they come to spend 420 dollars more for with me than they would in the corner drug store. I sell them the dream in a jar, I listen as they tell me how much younger his new girlfriend is, how they only had one lift. I ooohhed, and tisked and agreed at all the right times. You cant get that from the girl who will bag your eye cream with your half gallon milk in Wally world. No...these women are paying for the "experience".

I don't need to do any more, but just for good measure I pull out the last card.

"Oh, and between you and me, I don't bother with the fancy cleanser. I use the regular old clean and clear from the drug store. Its like 4 bucks."

She writes the name down on her folded magazine page, that is now a balled up wad in her hands, she'd clinched them closed and hadn't opened them ever since I told her I had a teenage son graduating from high school.

"Wow! Well, I mean, if you use it... and your 41! Girl you look fantastic!"

"I swear buy it! You want to see my ID? Let me grab my satchel.."

"Oh. no honey! I believe you. I mean, you didn't even sell me the high dollar face wash! Thanks for the tip. I'll take three jars. Oh, and don't forget my elixir serum."

I smile broader now. "Sure thing. Are we putting this on the amex today?"....

I know what your thinking. What if she actually said 'yeah, let me see your id'? Right?

She wasn't going to ask. they never did.

It didn't matter how rediculous the story. People want to believe the lie, part of what made me a top sales person was I understood the idea that if they came in, they wanted to be sold. They were always looking for the confirmation that they were okay. They needed the hope in the jar because there was not any in their lives.
The more desperate we become in supericial pursuits, the more often the enemy can fool us with counterfit.

What lies do you buy into in your life? Do you allow people to sell you dreams?

Housewives After Dark, Pt 3/ Finale

So humbled by how easily one can fall, how easily the enemy had come in and stolen my peace and taken so much more in the process...

I reexamed the areas of my life I was still holding onto. I was holding onto dead friendships, dead relationships, grudges, dead ways of thinking...

I was holding onto the idea that I knew anything at all. I stopped writing for a while. For a while I stopped talking. (I know!)

I started listening.

I heard alot. The things that I held onto, I kept out of my people pleasing obligation. Relying on man and not God. Relying on myself and not God.

I told God I wasn't strong enough to cut ties with the things and people that held me back, that watched me drowning and had no authority to save me...I told Him I was nothing and I was not strong enough. I told Him that I understood that only He could do that for me, only He could remove my scales...

...and like the Almighty delvers, the scales fell away, one by one, and along with them, came clarity to see exactly what lived in those bags I was holding onto.

I now understood, why the Holy Spirit had not allowed me to go home to Texas and write "Housewives after Dark" or return to the arms of the enemy...

I understood why I had to be the student first and not the teacher.

I understood my fights with my sister Tone about my consistency in the written word of God, His gift to us in this life.

Because all things, as is written "work for the good for those who love Him..."

And Indeed they did.

The Father, all knowing, knew that I as I came into a maturing walk with Him, I would need to be ready to resist the painful cries of the enemy, as he was losing his claim on my life.

I opened bags that said "you are nothing to me and never were."
I opened bags that said "God doesn't love you who would...your crazy"
I opened bags that said "you are evil...I am waiting on the real you to come out..."
I opened bags that said "how are you and the Devil doing? Is he still chasing you?"

Those are quotations of things that were said to me. Really.

By the very same people I was willing to separate from God for...

Only but God... could we see that the things we hold so close, want to destroy us. I am thankful He heard me say...

I could do nothing without Him.

Oh, and a sidenote on those "carnal minded sinner quotes" me and my friends were spitting to one another to justify the god we served (clearlynot Christ)...

Reading the Word is so important. The most favorite thing for Carnal minded Christians as I was, is to say, well "God knows my heart."
But the Word says clearly "For the heart of man is wicked above all things, who can know it?"

Oh and let us not forget "only God can judge us"..."remove the plank in your own eye..."
most of the time when we say this it is because someone who loves us is giving correction, and I most of the time it is not even in an area that they are still struggling. If I am about to sin, and I have a saved girlfriend who has been through the pain of this same sin and has turned from it tells me her testimony...that is not "judgement."
She isn't "throwiing a stone" at me. Without proper understanding of what is going on in the ENTIRE context of what was written (the pharrisses were using the adultress they brought before Jesus to stone, as a pawn in their plot to destroy Him.). (John 8:1-11)

So we cannot allow immaturity in His word allow us to "pluck" a word or two to justify bad behavior. No we are not perfect but He expects maturity from those who love Him.

Without a mature, consistent look at prayer and educating ourselves on what He actually says, we miss the bigger picture. Glorify Him in all you do. Be the imitators of God He called us to be.


Housewives after Dark...Part 2

The reason we as sinners are offended by the Word of God... is that it means we must obey His Word. That is when it stops being about us, and about fulfilling His purpose for our lives.

For Jesus himself said if we loved Him... we would obey his Fathers commandments. (

Believing is only half the battle. Walking in love meant I had to make real sacrifices, real WORK...

Obedience...that is the work. To die to ourselves, that is the work...

Well...I aint never been a fan of too much work.

So as the things I had worshiped my whole life, met my new walk, I was being asked by The Holy Spirit to release those weights...

but, I was being a hoarder, and reluctant to let you of what I still wanted.

So I kept some of them and thought I was going to keep on stepping in His grace.

Well ...that didn't work.

I tried to walk on ice that was thawing, holding dead rotting flesh....

the hole I fell through, nearly knocked me out the game.

I sank even farther than I knew I could...

And no one was there, none of my "no stones" buddies... could reach me in that cold dark hole I was drowning in.

I mean, to be fair, lets assume they were even praying for me?

The Word also said "He hears not a sinner..." so if the manner of life in which they lived didn't add up, they could not stop my sinking as they are standing on the same thin ice, carrying the same dead weight. If they reached in to save me.... would they not fall through as well?

Surely, I knew who could pull me up. But still, I didn't want Him..

Obstinate like a toddler, I refused to reach up for His hand again.

I didn't want to be one of those "hypocrites", using God as a little dingy of a life boat when I was drowning, when He had offered me a luxury yatch to begin with...and all that He had asked me to do was put down the filth I was holding, and come on aboard...and still, I had turned away.

The binding spirit of pride...wasn't going to allow me to go and admit to God that I was nothing without Him...or to the Body of Christ, that as I had foolishly ignored the correction and wisdom that would have kept me out of the water...that they were RIGHT and that I was dying for my corruption...

So I stayed there in my shame...and I stayed there...until it was a choice between dying there and just surrendering...

I came out of the water, but I had stayed in too long... some of my extremities were permanently damaged, frostbitten with gangrene. And I take that in Grace ...

for I know now.. that it is His Grace, that even allows me to walk at all...

Housewives After Dark... Part 1...

Recently, I had an offer to colaborate with a close friend on a literary project titled "Housewifes After Dark".

The basic premise, was to examine the secret lives of women with families that participate in extramarital activity when the kiddos and hubby are put bed. Not a cautionary tale of the dangers in this, but rather a glorification of the lifestyle, totting it as essential to balance in life.

I wish that I could tell you that my immediate response was to say, "absolutely not! Girl we cannot speak death into the lives of sanctity and wholeness of marriage!"

Sadly, that is not what happened. I said none of these things.

I didn't speak that truth because the idea, didn't immediately convict me.

No, conversely...I was intrigued. This friend and I, we practiced this way of dealing with the life as "no stones allowed", meaning that we lived by "to each his own..." and never passed judgement on others lifestyles, or our own. Live in the momemt...

Anytime we acted in self indulgent behavior, we excused one another, cosigned and sometimes co piloted self destructive behavior.

If ever approached by anyone else about wrong doing ,there was an unspoken way to deal with them. Flip it back... to them. They are the one with the problem. They are the hypocrites that want to control others with their self righteous indignation. Hurt others before they hurt you. Don't own mistakes, for who are they to judge us???
"God is love, and He made me who I am...right girl?"
"Amen, chic, I mean He knows my heart, right!"

As with everything, this lifestyle came full circle. The enemy of God has one mission: to destoy Gods plan for our lives.

Then last year as some of you know, I came to know Christ. I was super on fire... and puffed up, still on milk trying to feed others prematurely what had not even fully manifested in my own walk...

I was impatient and naive, took the freedom He granted me as MY OWN triump, and not a testament to His amazing and miraculous ability to heal...

That was when it got sticky.

Wednesday, April 28, 2010


Loren told a lie today! Omg!

He has this habit of taking big drinks of milk and spitting it out making little puddles of toddler wonder. Today, it was the ecru sofa. I saw the evidence...slowly soiling the stain resistant microfiber.
"Lolo did u spit?"
"no, mommy. Chloe spit!" he points across the room to the sleeping puppy, or as Loren coined her, our six month old cat-dog.
Is it possible, that he knows that his behavior warrants punishment? Surely not my sweet baby boy!
Is it even in my thought process that he, golden miracle baby, has told his first whopper?

No. He's only two. Kameron didn't lie until he was at least four. My angel is incapable of flaw!

"Loren.... Did u spit?"

He showed his little teeth.

"noooo! Mommie spit!!! Hahaha!!! No Daddy spit!!!!"