Facebook Fast Day 3 Lesson: Abundance

There is so much going on at one time my head is literally spinning...

lets see...where to start...

Loren is potty training...day 2 of new JOB... day 3 of facebook fast... day seven of love dare, day 1 of p90x... still scouting a perfect daycare for my potty training naked baby... making sure I attend Bible Study and Sunday Worship... writing...booked a wedding; cook dinner, clean house, prioritize mommy and daddy bonding time...

There are more blessings. So many I find my day filled with amusement at how wonderful He is...

Even though my day starts at 4 am and ends after midnight...I am so grateful. I know that this is conditioning for the marathon I am about to start. (Literally, I am going to do a Sickle Cell cycling marathon this Spring.) AND figuratively; how can I complain and get tired now; with Clark in the Spring and sometime soon...a book tour? :-) (He did say speak that as if it were... did He not?)

I am so blessed to say I have a full days work to do. When 4am comes creeping around my clock in a few hours...I will remember the feeling of GRATITUDE when I got the offer letter for my new job....I will remember that my bonding time with meathead should be cherished when I get cranky because I am too tired... and when I want to quit..thoughts will go to how happy I will be when Naked Loren soon gets onto potty... and out of my carpet. :)

Oh ...and a word on FB:

I have also realized that it is not facebook that I miss. I miss talking to the same five people who read my ridiculously long blogs and comment on them, encouraging me...(I bet I can put a million dollars on the people who are actually reading these things, and I bet another million out of 215 friends or so... you can take away 210....

:-)

This is what I miss...My friends. I don't miss facebook... I miss...FACES. I don't miss social networking... I miss being around my true friends- and that's what I gained from seeing the little box with a familiar face and funny random thoughts... pieces of their days...what their kids said to make them laugh and what the dog did to make them smile...

I miss my friends... I know they are one of the many blessings that God has sent to me.

Today I learned that quality is always better than quantity. When The Lord sends your blessings, be ready to hold out a large bucket for the downpour.

I have an abundance of blessings.

Part 3: Contracts...

Boy, how I fell.

He laid out his terms, and they didn't include me. He said he "could no longer respect me as a woman, that I didn't contribute to his ultimate "personal legend"... He was going to leave the house and our mortgage; unless I was willing to move, then in turn, he would stay in the house and get roommates to cover the expenses. He already had roommates lined up and ready to move in! I had exactly one week to find other means of living. Outraged? Hardly. Devastated beyond human comprehension? Now your getting closer...

I looked for answers where I thought I could find them. Another really good friend, (shout out Big Dog :) ) asked me if I had prayed, and suggested the Love Dare book from Fireproof. What was with these guys and this book?I told him of course I pray; and I had already tried The Love Dare.
"It's pointless, hopeless and thankless; this marriage", I said.
I could tell he wasn't amused at my desire to give up so quickly. He asked me to get another book, The Power of A Praying Wife.... I told him I would put it on my reading list...soon... but we both knew I wouldn't...

Self pity was far more alluring to me than actually looking at the problem holistically; let alone spiritually. How could this be happening to me? Had I not suffered enough in my life?

I was no stranger to rejection. This hurt.

Like Hell.

I called my girlfriend Tone, hyperventilating from crying hysterically for so many hours. I told her how empty I felt, how utterly I had lost my way, I could no longer find my way towards anything that even resembled peace. I told her I was tired of being thrown away...not measuring up...something in me was so flawed no one thought I was worth sticking around for. NO one, Not my mother who was gone too soon; not my father who never wanted to try to know me; my Grandma; not the many guys who had left me heartbroken, not some of my "friends"... no one stayed.

I knew I sounded like a self pitying crybaby but I was so broken down I didn't care.
I just wanted to cry until the hurt in my chest was numb.


She listened patiently, and in her amazingly soothing voice she told me that I would not like what she had to say.
Oh great, I thought.
'Do you pray?" She asked.
Here we go again, I thought. What was everyone's deal with this praying buisness? I didn't feel comfortable asking God to save my marriage.
We weren't exactly on speaking terms.

"Yeah, I mean, God's knows my heart...I am a good person Tone." I fumbled through an explanation.
"If you are lead by your heart, this is why your life is in turmoil. Do you know what God you serve?" She asked.
"Of course, girl. The same one you do!" I replied, more than slightly insulted.
"No, no...you don't, girl. You have made your husband your God. You do things to win his approval, others approval...but you don't make the one true God the priority in your life. You don't love God the way He loves you...yet you search fruitlessly for an Unconditional Love in everything ...but the one place you can truly find it...."

I wanted to argue. I wanted her to be wrong. But nothing out of her mouth was a lie. The first thing I think about when I wake up, and the last thing before I go to bed is.....ME. Even when I thought of my children or husband; it was ultimately self serving to try to hold onto these things like my life depended on it. When my marriage started crumbling; I clung to my children for salvation, and if anything ever were to happen to them...I am certain I would have given up.
More than anything, I was motivated by what served my own purpose.


But what I was calling a life... was falling apart. Without any explanation. Even when we tried to explain to others, we couldn't really pinpoint EXACTLY what was wrong with our marriage.It just wasn't working.

What is a marriage without Love?
What is Love... if not God?

All we had done was entered into a contract. Literally.

Nothing about that agreement had any motivation for serving a greater purpose for God. There can be no love without God. Only binding papers.
Which is exactly why I stopped enjoying love making...once I was married; the very thing I should have been saving for marriage all along. There was no God in our home; in our children's lives; and certainly not in our marriage.

As I sat there on my couch talking with my friend Tone, we prayed. That night, for the first time in a long time, I slept a peaceful sleep uninterupted by nightmares or worry. I decided I would go to church with her that Sunday.


For years, I have been bound by my insecurities, my self centered loathing... very few who know me have seen me bare faced and make-up free; far fewer have EVER seen my hair unkept. I have called out of work for a bad hair day.

Please believe it.

Not this Sunday. I was not allowed to call out because I wasn't cute that day. The BOSS was giving promotions...did I want to stay at the bottom entry level or advance to the Kingdom? I stood before that alter, my hair unkept, in plain clothes. In a room full of people, I was alone. It was just me and GOD and He spoke to me so clearly. HE SPOKE TO ME. There is no way on earth, that this preacher I have never seen, knew my darkest secrets, fears, doubts IN DETAIL. (events, skeptics ;-) he couldn't have known.) Things I never even said aloud. Ever! Yet HE spoke through this man, this stranger, directly to my soul...
HE said it was okay..
That years had been taken from me, but that I was free to forgive those who hurt me. That HE forgives me even though I can't forgive myself. That HE LOVES ME...and LOVE is a real feeling, not a metaphor... but complete and absolute!

The fact that I don't care one way or another what one may think about my revelation; is a testimony itself. I am no longer bound by my self centered desire to please others. I think most people who know me would say I am "sweet" ... "always smiling"..."a people pleaser" ...but what is this, if not selfishness? It is fueled by a desire to be liked, accepted by mans terms. Even if those terms cause God and ultimately, myself; pain. Being a "people pleaser" is the reason I was promiscuous at a young age. Being a "people pleaser" is the reason I have hidden my true opinion from my friends when I should have been giving honest advice. Being a "people pleaser" is the reason I invited and allowed pornography to defile the innocence of love making with my husband. Pleasing Man is the reason I have hated my own reflection and concealed it. All of these things have kept me running in circles looking for absolution in places I would never find it.but...WHEN I FOUND IT! ! !

It wasn't until I knew His Love that I was sure that the place I was trapped in all my life is surely a preview of Hell.
I don't want it. The Enemy can have it. I have spat him out the way he spit and chew on me my whole life...

When I was still bound; the misery blinders kept me only thinking of the glass half full. With the Light; I see how He was always there to keep one foot in front of the other when I was too lost, too weak to go it alone. He makes me strong. And proud. I hold my head high. I can see the blessings clearly; I had a family- an imperfect one, but a living breathing entity still, that can also grow and learn our purpose together. I am so thankful for His grace! If the only blessing He ever gave me was His love, I could never repay Him for showing me out that dark place.
I made it so complicated.
God is Love.
And everything makes sense.

Thanks for reading this guys. It is never easy to air your darkest secrets to the world. I did so because it is what He would have me to do for others who have been here where I was. I encourage feedback if you know what I mean when I say... HE IS AWESOME! Even if you don't know it, leave feedback if you want to know it.
There is an ending tomorrow. Please come back to read the final part. Love you guys!
http://www.bookmarkyourlife.blogspot.com/

The 7 days of Friday Lifestyle!

The power of Friday...

Its every one's favorite day of the traditional workweek. Friday.

You can feel the energy from every classroom...corner office, every cubicle...even at every mall and restaurant where the workweek isn't over, the barista was smiling a little harder at Starbucks this morning...you complain less about the commute into the city....

Why is it that Friday invokes a powerful emotion of optimism, and appreciation?

Is it truly because we are counting down the seconds till we're free?

Are we just glad for the break in the monotonous J.O.B?

For some, this may be the case.

But the TGIF feeling exists in those who don't even work a regular work week.

My husband's off days are Tuesday and Wednesday of every week. While he refers to his Monday shift as his "Friday"(his day before his two days of rest)...he also seems to have more pep in his step on the actual Friday work shift; even though he would be returning to work Saturday morning. I was puzzled and compelled to explore a new social experiment: The 7 days of Friday Lifestyle!

What if, like Fridays: you could view every single day of the week with just as much gratitude and excitement?

What if, on even your most dreaded day of the week, you woke up excited to being a day full of promise and purpose?

Tell yourself what it is about Friday that excites you. Is it getting more time with your kids for the weekend? Upcoming football Sunday? Is it perhaps a date night that you hold with your spouse Saturday evenings?

Tap into what makes Friday a day to look forward to.

Figure out what truly gives you reason to be. Write down all the reasons everyday of the week, why you are grateful for that day.

Set new standards for quality of life. Want more family time than you get the weekend? Set up a weekly holiday where your family commits as a whole to gather and spend time together in gratitude toward one another. We have a National Kamerons Day at sporadic times throughout the year where we will surprise him with an "unbirthday" Party like Alice in Wonderland..

Follow a similar pattern of gratitude for whatever it is that God has blessed you to look forward to on the weekend, let the same appreciation show in every aspect of your life. Thank Him... even for the annoying guy who chews at your nerve on the job. It can and does get worse than the things we complain of and take for granted.

I challenge you to try. Tell Him that when you wake to have a Friday! attitude on your dreaded Monday morning. Play some good tunes while getting dressed. Make a conscious effort to smile. Even on Tuesday. Bring dunkin donuts to the office for your coworkers, even on Wednesday. Create the culture of TGIF... for every moment of your life. :-)

Update your facebook status, instead of TGIF...(your name her)...is saying TGIA! (Thank God I'm Alive)

View everyday that the Lord has given you with the same fervor as you look upon one Friday to the next with.


Bless the lord, O my soul: and all that is within me, bless his holy name
Bless the Lord, O my soul, and forget not all his benefits:
Who forgives all thine iniquities; who healths all thy diseases;
Who redeemeth thy life from destruction; who crown thee with loving kindness and tender mercies:
Who satisfies thy mouth with good things; so that thy youth is renewed like the eagle's.-Psalm 103:1-5


It will make the difference.

Smooches!
Kris.