Disclosure: This is deeply personal. I am trying to overcome the spirit of people pleasing. So I am putting this portion of my thoughts and actions on display in hopes that if you felt like I did, that I can inspire you to want to seek a higher place; no matter what anyone else thinks of me for doing so. It is in segments, and begins very dark. No one call 911...it gets better. :-)
So...I took time to self reflect.
My ephipany...was, that I realized that.....
I was utterly sick and tired...
of self reflection.
I needed a new target.
Have you ever met someone, and couldn't figure out for the very life of you; why they got under your skin? No matter what they did to win you over...you just couldn't shake the fact that this person was not your cup of tea? Somehow you just new you would never really like them.
What if that person was yourself?
What if you were trapped inside a shell with a soul you didn't recognize?
What if you tried your hardest to remove yourself from it...to no avail?
It is not a far exaggeration to say...I have NEVER been happy. Ever. Not as a child, not as a troubled teenager full of unknown angst...not as a young adult...not after I graduated from basic Training...not after I began my career in make up artistry...not after the birth of my children...still, there was some hole I couldn't fill.
Not happiness. Sometimes pleasure, but NEVER happiness. Not at any time I can remember....ever. Not even when I got married. Yeah, thats right ladies, I said it. I was not that princess at the end of the Disney movie- elated about the happily ever after I was to partake in with my picture book perfect husband.
Why not? Had I not kissed more than my share of frogs before I found my Prince? Why was it that the very moment I entered into contract with my husband... did I lose all desire to make love with him?
For years, I have held the truth in shame; that when it came to intimacy with my husband, I found that my once overly active sexual desire had all but vanished. It wasnt a lack of sex, but the place my mind had to go to in order to desire him once we were married.... that distrurbed me. We watched ex rated material; additionally, I allowed talk of sinful nature to enter our bedroom. I was ashamed and it just didn't make any sense.I just couldn't seem to keep an interest in him once I had the moral right to. After a while; I stopped trying to figure out what kind of twisted mind I must be possessed with. It was disheartening to admit- that after years of being objectified by men (and most of all, by myself); that I could not enjoy a healthy sexual relationship- without still objectifing myself.
So needless to say, after a few years, it became increasingly difficult to pretend; and our love life waned. This created a new list of problems for us. I had invited ex rated material into our home; and in turn, became angry and insecure with my husband's growing tendency to watch the videos once I no longer wanted to.We began to lack any communication. He would come in from work and not speak. I would bait him into arguments just to get him to talk to me. It felt like I was living with a stranger. By the time we got here to Atlanta; we were all but shells of the once alive and in love couple that we had once been.
Things took a much darker turn in the last two years....
What happens next? LOL!!! That is all you can read without getting lost in blogland.
Part two tomorrow...
- ▼ 2009 (18)